Postcards from the Funny Farm

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Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) is arguably the first cognitive therapy. I’ve been a fan of cognitive therapy ever since I was introduced to it by a licensed clinical social worker in 1999. Got issues? It works. No, it’s not holding hands over the eyes of your partner like the picture shows, I just chose that one because I thought it conveyed closeness and safety.

Reckless emotions and “telling on” people and crying, all that has its place on a therpist’s couch (arguably), But REBT works you through the stuff that is holding you back more quickly.

I wanted to start dialog on this today since I feel it can truly transform your life at work, home, et al. I’m sure to bring it up again since I am that impressed with it for anyone and everyone. By the way, Presently, my wife and I are using it to put an end to some of our recurrent fight issues, and it is working. We are finding that some of our biggest “triggers” come from things that happened to us when we were kids and it is very relieving to be able to understand how to do things better. To feel better about the things that happen to you (even the bad stuff) REBT is worth looking into.

I must give credit to the creator of REBT, Albert Ellis. Mr. Ellis put together a system of cognitive therapy that has literally revolutionized my life, along with millions of others. Let me tell you what it is exactly:

REBT consists of a very simple acronym: ABC

A: This is the adversity that happens to you: boss calls you into your office and it doesn’t seem good, wife yells downstairs to you and it sounds really bad, you hear someone peel out their tires in front of your house and you hear a glass shatter … etc. These things are neutral in and of themselves, you don’t know what they mean right away.

B: This stands for what you believe based on a myriad of past learned experiences and attitudes. Mostly, it means what you have experienced relating to the “A.” If you have been a baseball player for years, a high speed object coming past you may not be as frightening as someone who has had ammo flying past them. Basically, this is how you see the “A.” REBT looks at this closely to determine if the A is really the sole cause of your emotions about it and not “B.” REBT works to remove the B. For example, let’s say your boss calls you into his office. You feel like you should get up and walk in, but something keeps you from going in. It might be because your parent once called you into their office for something negative. You may come to find the incident was only a positive thing.

C: This stands for consequence. As a result of behavior, there are inevitably consequences. Usually when people get to therapy, their C has not been positive.

The place to point in REBT is B: belief. What you believe about what happened must be separated from the true meaning of A.

Hmmm, when people told me I was doing a bad job, they always fired me after that. This could be an imagined belief. Therefore, my boss yelled at me so therefore I will be fired soon.

This is not necessarily the case and a responsible person who wants to live a life outside the funny farm will work to examine the b in light of a. The end result?  Ellis actually calls the next step “D” which stands for DISPUTE of the previously held, if indeed held, self-defeating Belief.

The next time you get in a fight with your spouse or have any form of self-defeating thought,  remember the ABC’s of REBT:  A) Adversity, B) Belief, C) Consequence, and D) DISPUTE steps of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Not only could it save your life, it could make it better than you dreamed possible.

*Works Consulted: Wikipedia, my own life, my own cognitive therapy sessions.

I bore you often with adjectives about my pool. I know, I shouldn’t brag, but this blog is about inspiration and at this point in my life there isn’t much that inspires me as much as my pool. That leads into this post and the product I want to share with you. I have found that my backyard stuff, pool equipment and chemicals look a bit unsightly just sitting out on the deck and I need outdoor cabinets to put them in.

This is a company that makes them and what’s more, they are impervious to rain and the elements of the season. They have products that extend beyond cabinets also. You can build an outdoor kitchen if you choose. You can see an example of them in action in this photo. The good thing about being 39 is that I am old enough to know that things weather. people like I was in their twenties will take a cheap product thinking it will look that way forever. the fact is, if it’s not made well and of durable material, it won’t. These cabinets are made well, see the site for all the details.  I highly recommend you check them out to see if they’re for you.

My wife invited me up as she was painting our son’s room. She’s sort of “owned” it as her task and art project and up to now she hadn’t invited me into the mall of plastic, masking tape, and drop cloths that is Brandon’s room.

As I saw her virtually collapsed under the window, I asked her what I could do to help finish the job. I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed so I started showing her how it would be easy for me to finish the last wall. It needed tape on the base and the top and it needed primering and then a couple coats of paint on top of that. At the time I had just received a $30 writing offer which for me is huge. I’ve been trying lately to get blog jobs that pay, but here my wife was virtually collapsed. I decided I’d be quite the selfish idiot if I put this job off.

I sent my wife downstairs with the order of getting some food. It was after noon and she was a little shaky from not having eaten yet. After she left I learned a great lesson. I looked at all the stuff that needed to be done and decided instead of trying to do it all, I would select a small part and do it perfectly. Then I did that. After that, I picked another one and so on. Within an hour, I finished the room. When my wife came up to check on me with a piece of toast in her hand, she was astonished at all I had accomplished.

She went out to the jacuzzi with our one and three year old, and I went downstairs where I was able to finish that big writing job. Victory! Lesson learned?

When painting, or life, gets overwhelming, map out chunks at a time to finish. Don’t get overwhelmed. Before you know it, you’ll be victorious.

Every Father’s day my wife and I have the same question: “What the heck are gonna get for him?” respectively. My dad is a successful guy who pretty much buys himself anything he wants throughout the year. At the same time I want to get him something that shows I care and how much I love him. Hence, the challenge.

Birthdays are the same thing. Well, I found a resource that will give me a lot of Gift Ideas on these occasions. It’s called Dad Shop and it’s based in Australia. Their Fathers Day is coming up, so especially if you are there or from there, this is a site you should check out quick. Heck, I’m recommending it to my wife, maybe she’ll use it to find me the perfect gift!

I have a guest blog up at my new psych bloggy friend Laurel’s “Ninth Elegy.” She’s got a really peaceful, inspirational set of posts over there and I am honored she hosted my post. I’d be remiss to not mention that she recently did a guest post spot at Zen Habits. If you know how much I like that blog, you know why I respect that accomplishment immensely. But back to my guest blog: It’s a cognitive lesson in getting along with difficult neighbors. Give it a read and as always your comments are appreciated.

Over the past year or so, I’ve met several excellent bloggers who really know their stuff. One in particular is Jacob Share who authors a few really “top-shelf” blogs. I call them that because their circulation is high along with their analytics. However, In addition to that, they have subjects relevant and helpful to me as a blogger. Group Writing Projects, is one of those excellent blogs. If you have a blog to promote or if you enjoy reading blogs, I want you to know about this resource. Getting into one of these things can explode a post. One of mine went from 27 views to nearly 3,000 as a result of a group writing project. Every little strategy helps, they are like seeds. After all, most of us internet writers secretly hope to be more popular in searches than stuff like women’s lingerie, do we not ;)

Jacob was kind enough to let me interview him and share it with you all. Please visit Group Writing Projects after reading, it’s an excellent resource. Here it is:

1. Who should use Group Writing Projects.

By announcing their group writing projects on my site, creators get more exposure for their group writing project and their blog, which in turn drives more traffic, participants and potential subscribers. Plus they earn more links for their project and its participants, which they can use to attract even more of the above. Finally, creators will also be able to share and learn best practices to make their projects even better next time.

Every creator is also a potential participant and participants have it good on Group Writing Projects, the only place they need to subscribe to stay updated on where the latest group writing projects are happening. It’s a great way to get blog post suggestions regularly, with the additional benefit of guaranteed links and attention to your article AND blog. The “random” appearance of gwps also helps bring your blog to readers that have probably never seen it before.

It’s win-win.

2. What is the benefit to your visitors?

Very few blogs can keep up a high rate of quality unless they’re making enough money to support themselves full-time or the blogger doesn’t post very often. For other blogs to have success, even their “lower quality” posts need to have value for their readers, and that’s the tack I’ve been taking with Group Writing Projects. Most of the posts on the site are newsworthy project announcements and results roundups that will only pull you in when you need them but that you’re nevertheless happy to see. Otherwise, higher quality, instructional and opinion articles come out appear every few weeks but my goal is to increase that frequency to once a week.

Taking a different angle with your question, Group Writing Projects doesn’t filter. The site will announce any gwp that comes to my attention, but I will not hesitate to recommend against participating if it’s justified. I have an article coming out soon with more on that, it will surprise some people.

3. What was your motivation to start this?

Very simple. When I first discovered and fell in love with gwps while blogging on JobMob, my reflex was to search for more and I quickly realized that there was no centralized resource bringing them all together. I decided almost right away that I would take on the project but I actually put it off for almost 6 months before getting down to work on it. Both my blogs started to take shape in November, and both were launched a few months later. I may do that again this year as well with yet another :)

4. When did you start?

Group Writing Projects was semi-officially launched in February 2008. I say ’semi’ because I had a whole launch planned but I froze the launch halfway along the plan. That’s the topic of a whole blog post in itself that I’ve promised my readers so I won’t go further here. As for traffic, it varies, by design. The announcement and results posts were designed to be easy for subscribers- quick to scan in your feed reader, with links to creators’ sites if you decide to participate. They also don’t have much interest for search engines, and so they don’t bring many people to the site but that’s fine. The “higher quality” articles tend to do well for the opposite reasons.

5. What is your defining objective with Group Writing Projects?

I make websites that help people. JobMob is about helping people find jobs, and Group Writing Projects is about helping bloggers to achieve their blogging goals. For example my recent Building RSS group writing project has only begun to help bloggers with tips about how to get more subscribers, and the upcoming free e-book for my readers will be so handy that every blogger will want it.

As for an objective, I will only be satisfied when I see gwps as a regular blogging device appearing on blogs of all sizes, in all industries and niches. That’s when I’ll feel that my work is done ;)

Thanks for the interview, Damien. If anyone has questions, they should just come over to Group Writing Projects and ask in the comments or contact form.

When you carry too much debt like I used to, life can become a real burden. This is true for individuals and couples but nowhere is it more difficult than when you have kids. Freedom Debt Relief is a place where people in this situation can get comprehensive analysis and help with their debt problems. Their website has a user-friendly menu that takes the consumer through the various options they offer. For example, in the debt reduction section, they offer on average to get your debt down by 50%. Think of that. Say for instance you owe 40K, they will attempt to get that amount down to 20k.

I have used debt reduction and it works. It doesn’t seem possible if you are new to it, but creditors will accept your offer through this company. This is from the website front page:

We can help you save more money than simple Consumer Credit Counseling while protecting you from the harsh impacts of bankruptcy. We think we have the best solution for most consumers with serious debt concerns.

Bankruptcy has serious credit consequences, as well as time, energy, and even mental-well-being ones. Credit counseling can cost you unnecessary money as well so there you stand in the middle. This company meets you there and gets you back in control where you want to be. It’s a great website and if any of this stuff is nagging at you and maybe your family as well, I recommend you go there and start an account. Why wait in agony? I’ve been there and made it out. Don’t be embarrassed. You don’t have to be there, give Freedom Debt Relief a try.

As I typed that title I caught myself for a millisecond thinking people might construe it to mean I have been wrong about something I have written on the blog. Naturally, I got defensive. Why do we as people fear being wrong so much? Maybe it goes back to our childhood when we would be sent to “remedial” classes to “remedy” us if we did poorly (wrongly) on tests. Nowadays the kids are almost 100% judged by their standardized test scores so they can probably relate. But as a whole I think you’ll agree that we as adults are very afraid of being wrong, it shows in our toxic words and actions.

I teased my mom the other day about how she was wrong about something … a pop-culture factoid that I don’t even need to mention (it’s too complicated). Anyway she felt the need to explain that I had it wrong and not she. That was okay, especially now that I’ve thought this post through. Ring any bells about discussions with your relatives? Who cares if we are wrong? Unfortunately, we all do.

Think about what you lose when you are wrong. Is it so valuable that you would give up your sense of peace and well-being over it? Is it worth arguing your case over?

Folks it’s okay to be wrong. I am wrong about 70% of the time in my marriage and I can still wear a smile on my face. I am wrong at work quite a bit too, sometimes it is my 8 year old students who point it out to me. Have you ever argued with a child about how you are not wrong? I have. It’s embarassing when you have time to realize how stupid it was. Like as if a stranger comes up to tell you you need more acne control. It feels strange and awkward. I TRY TO look at those type of moments now as teaching moments to model for them how to be wrong gracefully. Let’s face it, it is not automatic.

We grow through being wrong, we stagnate through always being right. If you want to be right all the time, go live on a desert island … it’s not gonna be possible even there. You will find however that no one is there to see you become “humiliated.” Funny how humble and humiliated come from the same root. The best people through history had humility and were not afraid to admit when they are wrong.

The next time it comes to your attention that you have been wrong, don’t hide from it. Look them squarely in the face and say: “Thank you, I want to know when I am wrong so I can be better.” Being wrong is not the worst thing in the world, being afraid of it might be. How do you feel about being wrong?

Unhappy with your occupation? Your dream job could be a few-clicks-and-the-making-of-a-video-away! If you are 100% content with your career, just laugh at the video, leave me a cool comment, and move on. Everybody else: Check out FutureResume.com.

FutureResume.com is a new company I am excited to tell you about. In the same way video dating companies have revolutionized the way people find love, so now FutureResume.com has applied the video concept to job searching and more importantly … job applicant screening. From their about page:

Companies waste a significant amount of time and money searching for and interviewing prospective candidates only to learn what might have been expressed up front in a short video introduction. FutureResume.com simplifies the selection process by allowing candidates to show their personality and professional commitment right on our website.

Folks, if you are out work, looking to change careers, or just starting out, this is the place I would start with a video and the services they offer. To show you how it works, I have made a short video myself for this post.  Vote for me here.

This video is part of a current contest which you can enter as well. Here’s the contest details.

I was out watching my two girls play by the pool and an interesting thing happened. My youngest reached for an inflatable ring next to some car covers that was being blown away from her by the desert winds. I told her to hold on and daddy would get it. She persisted in reaching for it as if it was the most amazing item in the world. I couldn’t help but wonder why such a vanilla, plain and unexciting object would be so important to her. There were three others like it by her and a life jacket as well. Then I got to thinking: she has gotten used to that faded plastic ring that probably cost us less than a dollar. To her, it has become an object of fun. I started remembering all the bikes I had as a kid and some of the stuff I really loved but wasn’t worth much.

A lot of times in my life I think along the lines of “They just don’t make them like they used to.” This is because I am naturally nostalgic about the things of my past, namely: of my youth.

We’d do well to remember two things based on this ring:

1. Things have no “value” to our lives apart from the meaning we assign and pour into them. This is especially true for kids. -and-
2. Instead of drawing close to things we should open our minds to all things. If you like IBM computers, try MACS and vice versa. Etc.

My daughter showed me with her ring today that what I do is just as good as what my parents did for me and life is simple to a child. She may remember that ring for years as a simple of playing in the pool with dad based on the meaning she assigned to it. I think probably this afternoon I would have expired it to the recycle bin had she not shown me it was special.

Do you have an object or a memory of one that you assign(ed) meaning to?