Postcards from the Funny Farm

I’m a person who enjoys having a lot of projects ongoing all the time.  Still, I recognize that stillness and reflection are crucial for the projects to succeed.  At work this is most true.  We have several tests we are giving the kids right now and the pressure is on to see them succeed.  Whether it is subject/predicate standards or just plain spelling, we as teachers are thinking about what we can do to get them to score the highest.  In the process, I think many classes get burned out and do less than they would have given more PE or just restful time in class to prepare.

At home this is prevalent.  My kids are reaching up for me (ages 1,3, and 10) metaphorically or literally and I can feel the pull on my attention.  I am thinking about my blogs and the things I need to do as a normal grownup in the world at home but they aren’t concerned about any of that.  Kids don’t think outside the box, they live outside the box.  Do I push them off or do I spend time with each of them.  Again, the forced stillness is so crucial to happy and healthy parenting.  I try to spend time with each of them even if I am not 100% successful.  Of course, the time with my wife is also crucial.  Am I making enough time to be romantic?  This is a priority for me, even though my wife might not agree with that statement!

What is it you are rushing to do?  Make sure you take the time for stillness.  You will find it boosts your productivity and gives you a paradigm shift.  You’ll never know until you try!

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe via -or-

Today’s concept: “Why we fear aging.”  I suppose a better title would be “Why DO we fear aging”  but I really don’t know.  In many ways, aging is a thrill.  I had a kid tell me today he found a synonym for “journey,” it was the expedition.  I was really proud of that student for noticing that in his reading.  Some might say you start out at the top of the cat pole and end up in the litter box.  I have to question that.  Aging is like a journey, but even more like a expedition, I think.

The other day a little scrappy kid whose brother I had last year in my class yelled across the playground at me: “What’s up Mr. Riley.”  I always feel so “hip” when they do that :)  What he said next though wasn’t so “hip,”

“You got old Mr. Riley.”

Now at first, I felt sad about this appraisal of my appearance.  Then, as any responsible parent or teacher would, I tried to understand why he would say that.  I came up empty … I do look older this year!  Even though I shave my head and have since I was about 26, the sides are getting quite gray.  My goatee is enjoying the same salt and peppering.  Usually when I look in the mirror I say: “You get better looking each day.”  but alas, I work with truth megaphones aka ;) little kids.

I think we fear getting old because we feel we won’t get what we want out of life.  We may fear that others will not like us as much and therefore we won’t be as successful.  When I think about it though, most the successful folks I know who are getting what they want out of life are over 50.  I haven’t even turned 40 yet.

I told my wife about the incident and she just laughed at me.  Maybe you out there can give me a pity party ;)

How are you doing on your aging expedition?

It is admirable to want to rush in and show a relative where she/he is messing up their life but if you are not willing to go the extra mile you might be better off to leave it alone. Take some time first, go do something physical, then make your call. Consider this article when you do:

Do you have relatives? Most everyone does. If you answered yes, do they ever drive you insane making bad choices for themselves and for their kids? Well you are not alone. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: boundaries must be set with family. This is a healthy thing. When you see people in your family consistently doing the wrong thing, tell them if you like but be aware it may hit you back. Did you know that lifeguards are taught not to swim out and hold a drowning man above the water? The reason is because he flails and it could take them down as well. That’s why they carry that red floater, to throw to the one in distress.

In trying to “get something off your chest” however well intended, you may be labeled “judgmental,” “ignorant,” or just plain “stuck up” as the relative inevitably “flails.” Sometimes “letting the chips fall where they may” can injure you. Still, your cares about this relative may keep haunting you like a salesman at the door. In that case you have to deal with it.

NOTE: If you suspect your loved ones are doing something harmful or neglectful to their children, skip the confrontation and please report them immediately to child protective services. I am absolutely 100% pro kids before any psychology-speak comes into play.

If it’s a lesser thing, just remember that it is hard to love sometimes. Before you act in love, make sure it is in love and not as a result of your pride. Most importantly, make sure that you care enough to go a few rounds with your loved ones. It may be you who is the one to “rudely” awaken them from a deep sleep of denial. Like any intervention, bring armor for your emotion most of all.

Last statement: If you don’t care, don’t speak.

“What a trip” Las Vegas can be.
My 10 year old son Brandon and I are seen here sharing a couple cool ones (cokes that is) at “The World of Coke” museum in Las Vegas right in the heart of the strip. This is just one place we went on our vacation last week that were “family friendly” places. Las Vegas is a great place for adults: you can drink for free, gamble your nest egg (should you choose!), see great shows, dance, etc. But Las Vegas also offers plenty for kids as well. Our goal was to get into a mental place I call “vacation psychology.” I hope my kids made it there. From the looks of things, they did. I also had at least one event that got me in that zone. SCORE!

This Las Vegas slogan of recent years is kind of funny: “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” What do you think that means? I have my ideas. At first it sounds sardonic, mischievous, but I try to keep an open mind and accept everything until proven wrong.

There is a psychology in vacationing that is a “wow” so-to-speak. It takes you away from the daily grind and see something truly marvelous. Now does that have to be secretive? Not in my case. We went to a children’s museum that was ok, buffets that were tasty, and walked the strip to pick up tasty snacks here and there and all that was great. My kids did the “Build-a-Bear Workshop” and we ended up spending a hundred bucks on that. I know that sounds steep, but you should have seen their faces. All people, small or large, need to take care of their brain through vacation psychology.

Vacation psychology for me happened during a Cirque de Soleil type show. The announcer said that a recent “Miss Wyoming” was about to do an interpretation of that new song “Too Late to Apologize,” which I kind of liked already. She came out and did a ballet type routine suspended from two large red ribbons. It was the most amazing set of “human tricks” I have seen in a long long time. The song was moving and the amazing dexterity of this young acrobat was truly inspirational. Whether vacation psychology is better when it’s secretive, I will never know. In my case, I am glad that what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas. Sometimes it makes it to a blog and other people get to experience it too. (The YouTube video of “Too Late to Apologize” is linked at my online diary.)

Kids and parents love personalized stuff. Parents can purchase a special children’s book these days where the child is the hero and the other characters are that child’s friends and family … so exciting to a child! I remember when I was a kid we used to do MAD libs and insert our personal meanings into readings, but this really goes a step beyond. Wouldn’t it be fascinating to a child if they saw themself as the hero or heroine of the story? This is definitely worth looking into!

If there is anything I give to my kids, I hope it’s the ability to distinguish between what is real and what is fake. I want my kids to recognize love when it’s real and run away from it when it’s fake. The same for friends, jobs, sales pitches, people, and the opportunities of life that present themselves. So, you may ask, what makes me think I know what real is? The answer is simple: I study it, identify it, and emulate it. If there is no model for real success in a given realm, I self-define it. If I had a magic mantra, I’d be a billionaire. There is no real shortcut to distinguishing what is real from what is fake. Each person must come up with her/his own definition. But you can practice at this ability. In some ways it’s the most important skill in life.

I once heard that bank employees go through a week long training where mostly all they do is spend time fondling and examining money. The idea being that if they are familiar with real money then they will more easily and automatically spot a counterfeit.

There’s the advice right there, the philosopher’s stone, the diamond in the rough:

Spend time with what you know is real, be it in the realm of people, literature, mathematics, religion, God (notice I made the two quite different things). Whatever it is that you hunger for in life, get close to the real. The fake will be revealed in the presence of the real.

Let me give you another example. Let’s say you want to be a success. There are minions of websites and corporations who want to define that for you. Some may be real, some may be a wolf in sheep clothing. Sp how do you navigate these waters? Define success. Watch examples of your definition. Get to know people who share components of your definition of success.

Spend time with the real and you’ll know how to spot a fake. Have you ever been duped by Amway or other MLM marketing scheme? Ask yourself this: would you have fallen so easily if you’d taken the time to define what success is for you? If I would have known (and I lost $500 when I was 20 at an Amway meeting) how real success was defined, I wouldn’t have stayed past the opening greeting with designer water and cashews. When you have defined success on your terms, no one can take away the growing happiness that results as you get closer to your goal. Have you ever bought into something you thought was real but really was a counterfeit?

Afterthought: One example of how I define success is my personal “CAN” ranking system for my b.... You can read more about this here. You might find parallels in your quest to define and rank the successes of your life.

As I typed that title I caught myself for a millisecond thinking people might construe it to mean I have been wrong about something I have written on the blog. Naturally, I got defensive. Why do we as people fear being wrong so much? Maybe it goes back to our childhood when we would be sent to “remedial” classes to “remedy” us if we did poorly (wrongly) on tests. Nowadays the kids are almost 100% judged by their standardized test scores so they can probably relate. But as a whole I think you’ll agree that we as adults are very afraid of being wrong, it shows in our toxic words and actions.

I teased my mom the other day about how she was wrong about something … a pop-culture factoid that I don’t even need to mention (it’s too complicated). Anyway she felt the need to explain that I had it wrong and not she. That was okay, especially now that I’ve thought this post through. Ring any bells about discussions with your relatives? Who cares if we are wrong? Unfortunately, we all do.

Think about what you lose when you are wrong. Is it so valuable that you would give up your sense of peace and well-being over it? Is it worth arguing your case over?

Folks it’s okay to be wrong. I am wrong about 70% of the time in my marriage and I can still wear a smile on my face. I am wrong at work quite a bit too, sometimes it is my 8 year old students who point it out to me. Have you ever argued with a child about how you are not wrong? I have. It’s embarassing when you have time to realize how stupid it was. Like as if a stranger comes up to tell you you need more acne control. It feels strange and awkward. I TRY TO look at those type of moments now as teaching moments to model for them how to be wrong gracefully. Let’s face it, it is not automatic.

We grow through being wrong, we stagnate through always being right. If you want to be right all the time, go live on a desert island … it’s not gonna be possible even there. You will find however that no one is there to see you become “humiliated.” Funny how humble and humiliated come from the same root. The best people through history had humility and were not afraid to admit when they are wrong.

The next time it comes to your attention that you have been wrong, don’t hide from it. Look them squarely in the face and say: “Thank you, I want to know when I am wrong so I can be better.” Being wrong is not the worst thing in the world, being afraid of it might be. How do you feel about being wrong?

I was out watching my two girls play by the pool and an interesting thing happened. My youngest reached for an inflatable ring next to some car covers that was being blown away from her by the desert winds. I told her to hold on and daddy would get it. She persisted in reaching for it as if it was the most amazing item in the world. I couldn’t help but wonder why such a vanilla, plain and unexciting object would be so important to her. There were three others like it by her and a life jacket as well. Then I got to thinking: she has gotten used to that faded plastic ring that probably cost us less than a dollar. To her, it has become an object of fun. I started remembering all the bikes I had as a kid and some of the stuff I really loved but wasn’t worth much.

A lot of times in my life I think along the lines of “They just don’t make them like they used to.” This is because I am naturally nostalgic about the things of my past, namely: of my youth.

We’d do well to remember two things based on this ring:

1. Things have no “value” to our lives apart from the meaning we assign and pour into them. This is especially true for kids. -and-
2. Instead of drawing close to things we should open our minds to all things. If you like IBM computers, try MACS and vice versa. Etc.

My daughter showed me with her ring today that what I do is just as good as what my parents did for me and life is simple to a child. She may remember that ring for years as a simple of playing in the pool with dad based on the meaning she assigned to it. I think probably this afternoon I would have expired it to the recycle bin had she not shown me it was special.

Do you have an object or a memory of one that you assign(ed) meaning to?

It’s the 4th of July and as always: guests are coming over. Before I unloaded/loaded the dishwasher and shocked the pool, I picked up my weapon against the cleaning blues: My Martin triple-o.

Whatever situation I find myself in … the guitar saves me in relaxing the room. Example: kids in my class are out of sorts and chatting constantly. Unable to focus and get the situation under control, I pick up the guitar, which silences many, and start to count: one … two … three … you can hear a pin drop on carpet. A scene not even the best digital cameras can capture … you have to be there.

I then strum out Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Your Land” and every kid sings along. That song really tells a powerful story. I tell you I have been teaching for 10 years and working with kids for at least 20. The guitar never fails. It’s like a semi-automatic weapon against chaos in tha classroom. But this morning I used it a different way.

Sauntering over with sleep still in my eyes, I sat on the kids’ toybox and started flecking the strings with my pick. Paul McCartney’s almost now obscure “My Love” came into my head, a song I taught myself years ago. “My love does it goooooood.” My 3 year old started twirling in front of me as I continued strumming and faking the lyrics. Reminiscent of another time undefined, another place.

I went on to place a few other Beatles songs and ended with the “Gidget” reminiscent “Wipeout” instrmental. Rippin’ it up still at 39. When I came out of the guitar zone, I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, fed the dog, and shocked the pool. I hear the pump outside filtering the water for our guests at 2pm. I smile to myself at an idea only I will probably “get.” Then I come here to blog it for the archive. Maybe somebody will get it out there, Chris or somebody. Happy 4th readers of mine. (afterthought: this post should serve to remind us players that only we can teach the youth of today to appreciate the guitar)

Our parents occupy a space in our psyches that determines so many of our thought patterns. It starts when we are very young babies and continues on until even after they pass away and we ourselves become the unique parents and grandparents. If we are fortunate, our parents are people we can and should trust as children and into adulthood. For me, and many I hope, our parents give us unconditional love that enables us to do the great things we dream of. You see that kind of love in church and on religious jewelry, but rarely do we run across it in life.

When we are kids, mom and dad’s discipline is usually dreaded. It makes us angry. They tell us to not run across wet tile and to make sure we wear a coat outside when it’s cold. We of course resent these demands as children and automatically assume our parents are ordering out out of spite, envy, or just plain meanness. The craziest thing is that when we slip on the floor after disobeying or when we catch a nasty could and cough for not heeding our parents’ commands, we still resent them. It flies in the face of reason but I see it often in my own son and I remember the same pattern happening when I was young. Now, at age 39, I find myself hungering for advice from my parents. They give it when I ask but it is not the same. It’s like an unwritten rule that when you do become an adult, you have to find your own way. DOH! Reality bites sometimes.