Postcards from the Funny Farm

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe via -or-

Today’s concept: “Why we fear aging.”  I suppose a better title would be “Why DO we fear aging”  but I really don’t know.  In many ways, aging is a thrill.  I had a kid tell me today he found a synonym for “journey,” it was the expedition.  I was really proud of that student for noticing that in his reading.  Some might say you start out at the top of the cat pole and end up in the litter box.  I have to question that.  Aging is like a journey, but even more like a expedition, I think.

The other day a little scrappy kid whose brother I had last year in my class yelled across the playground at me: “What’s up Mr. Riley.”  I always feel so “hip” when they do that :)  What he said next though wasn’t so “hip,”

“You got old Mr. Riley.”

Now at first, I felt sad about this appraisal of my appearance.  Then, as any responsible parent or teacher would, I tried to understand why he would say that.  I came up empty … I do look older this year!  Even though I shave my head and have since I was about 26, the sides are getting quite gray.  My goatee is enjoying the same salt and peppering.  Usually when I look in the mirror I say: “You get better looking each day.”  but alas, I work with truth megaphones aka ;) little kids.

I think we fear getting old because we feel we won’t get what we want out of life.  We may fear that others will not like us as much and therefore we won’t be as successful.  When I think about it though, most the successful folks I know who are getting what they want out of life are over 50.  I haven’t even turned 40 yet.

I told my wife about the incident and she just laughed at me.  Maybe you out there can give me a pity party ;)

How are you doing on your aging expedition?

“How fragile we are.”
Sting

A single word can add value to your life. In college I read that in a book and tried it out. I bought a pack of 3×5″ cards on sale and searched my mind and dictionary for words to concentrate on. This had a profound impact on the anxiety and depression I suffered in that time. There were many I went though. I would write the word on a card and tape it to my bathroom mirror. I remember one word I had, for example, was the word “transcend.” I would repeat this word many times in my mind while brushing my teeth and routine grooming. The word took on new and deeper significance during this time and throughout my day. It was the most positive word I could think of and it was a word I wanted more of in my life. Sometimes I would be in class of just round about town and I would hear a word which I would in turn use in this manner. In a way, it is like a mini mantra or … mantra “concentrate.”

Part of fighting depression and anxiety is coming to the fight prepared and armed. A word chosen wisely and meditated on is a powerful tool weapon anyone can bring to the fight we call humanity.

“We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.”
-Spider Robinson

Some of us are traveling in limousines, others are at the freeway on-ramp with cardboard signs. Regardless of the means, we are going from a point a to a point b every day of our lives. It is easy to look at other peoples work and art in life as nonsensical and bad. Have you ever seen a car with a million poorly placed stickers on it and gone: “Why? It is such a nice car.” That is their art and you should respect it. Once we were down at the beach years ago and I was making sand castles with my niece. I saw the remnants of a sand castle with sticks like towers and assumed the creator was long gone. It was in a good spot so I swept it away as if it never existed. I think the creator must have been mentally ill because she came screaming at me and my young niece as if we were the devil for destroying her sand castle. We got through the scene some how and relocated. Luckily it didn’t seem to affect my niece much but I thought about it for weeks after. I really felt bad about it.

The sand castle wasn’t the real lesson here. For me, it was a lesson about other people and respecting the art they create along the journey. My recommendation is to be very slow to criticize the art that people make whether it is their bumper stickers, their sand castles, or … the way they do simple things in life. It never hurts to give compliments, you can find one for anything. Another way to grow in this area: do a listening experiment.  I hope the sand castle incident will have the same effect on you as it had on me and make you less reckless with other people’s art and hence other people’s emotions. Just like an effective acne treatment, so your words can help and heal someone struggling.

Today’s fast paced world leaves us all exhausted at the end of most days. Right now, as an example, I have that woozy feeling I have forgotten an appointment because I didn’t transfer it from my wallet to my Yahoo! calendar. Oh well, if I did I did. I’m pretty good about that usually. Anyway, with life being so fast, as Randy Pausch reminded us all, I think it’s really important to have some therapeutic reverie once in a while. I talk about W.I.N. with my team at work and sometimes, reverie needs to be “what is important now.” One day it may be getting your kid immunized, another it might be to buy pet supplies.

Looking back at life’s seasons and grand events helps us move forward more bravely. When we can see our bio as separate from our now it makes us seem greater than we are, or at least more able. I recommend listing your accomplishments by decades but if you are in your twenties or younger, that’s not much of a filing system. Separate your life into sections you find relevant, but try and do it when you can steal away for some quiet time. You can draw mantras from these for the upcoming year (ie; “I carried my running team by gaining 4 points in the finals”)

Here’s a portion of mine as an example:

Decade 0-10

• I was put into the gifted and talented education program in 2nd grade.
• I wrote “Swimmy the Turtle” and won 2nd place in the state fair in 3rd grade.
• more

Decade 11-20

• I learned every guitar riff The Alarm recorded.
• I got my first job as a printer’s apprentice.
• I trained as a camp counselor and counseled on summer.

Decade 21-30

• I met and recorded with my rock hero Dave Sharp of the Alarm.
• I got a job teaching at 27 in an inner-city school.
• I got my Master’s Degree at age 28.

Decade 31-39

• I got married at 33.
• by 38 I had my third kid and decided that was plenty ;)
• I bought my first mortgaged home at 39 and it has a pool!

If you try it, have fun with it. I suppose if you’re a blogger you might want to consider it like a meme. Please do! Everyone else, just thank goodness you aren’t self-absorbed as we bloggers and do it on a notepad and save to your desktop. It’s therapeutic and an absolute recommendation from me. Can you say “absolute recommendation?” Hmmm. Ok well, regardless, I recommend doing it. Life is good, but it will pass you by if you don’t stop once in a while.

It is admirable to want to rush in and show a relative where she/he is messing up their life but if you are not willing to go the extra mile you might be better off to leave it alone. Take some time first, go do something physical, then make your call. Consider this article when you do:

Do you have relatives? Most everyone does. If you answered yes, do they ever drive you insane making bad choices for themselves and for their kids? Well you are not alone. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: boundaries must be set with family. This is a healthy thing. When you see people in your family consistently doing the wrong thing, tell them if you like but be aware it may hit you back. Did you know that lifeguards are taught not to swim out and hold a drowning man above the water? The reason is because he flails and it could take them down as well. That’s why they carry that red floater, to throw to the one in distress.

In trying to “get something off your chest” however well intended, you may be labeled “judgmental,” “ignorant,” or just plain “stuck up” as the relative inevitably “flails.” Sometimes “letting the chips fall where they may” can injure you. Still, your cares about this relative may keep haunting you like a salesman at the door. In that case you have to deal with it.

NOTE: If you suspect your loved ones are doing something harmful or neglectful to their children, skip the confrontation and please report them immediately to child protective services. I am absolutely 100% pro kids before any psychology-speak comes into play.

If it’s a lesser thing, just remember that it is hard to love sometimes. Before you act in love, make sure it is in love and not as a result of your pride. Most importantly, make sure that you care enough to go a few rounds with your loved ones. It may be you who is the one to “rudely” awaken them from a deep sleep of denial. Like any intervention, bring armor for your emotion most of all.

Last statement: If you don’t care, don’t speak.

Okay, so here’s another brain stretching suggestion: not quite as out there as how roller-coasters are good for your grey matter but close. Today my wife drove my Jeep and I rode in the passenger seat … whoa, what a difference. Everything looked different, even the radio. It got me thinking about perceptions. It does a human mind good to have a paradigm shift like that once in a while. It makes you realize your reality is so very subjective.

You might try mixing something up this week, just for a hoot. As you try the change, don’t be surprised if it opens your mind to new ideas. This is the stuff that “breakthroughs” are made of and science calls it a “paradigm shift.” I call it the stuff dreams are made of.

One place I have experienced paradigm shifts in my teaching job more than anywhere else in life has been in my parent conferences. Sometimes you never understand the kid until you meet the parents. Sometimes that brings all the planets of understanding into alignment. Of course there are always anomalies.

Make a change in your routine and invite a paradigm shift, it’s guaranteed to open your mind further. Just by doing the smallest thing differently you become a bit more enlightened.

Some ideas to stimulate your thinking toward a paradigm shift this week:

1. Walk around the house naked (for me lately it would be a shift to walk around clothed, sorry to curse you with with such a visual)
2. Play a CD you dislike in your car.
3. Put the most important stuff at the bottom and the fun stuff at the top of your task list.
4. Try a new theme on your blog.
5. Eat healthy/non-healthy
6. Your own marvelous and creative ideas …

If there is anything I give to my kids, I hope it’s the ability to distinguish between what is real and what is fake. I want my kids to recognize love when it’s real and run away from it when it’s fake. The same for friends, jobs, sales pitches, people, and the opportunities of life that present themselves. So, you may ask, what makes me think I know what real is? The answer is simple: I study it, identify it, and emulate it. If there is no model for real success in a given realm, I self-define it. If I had a magic mantra, I’d be a billionaire. There is no real shortcut to distinguishing what is real from what is fake. Each person must come up with her/his own definition. But you can practice at this ability. In some ways it’s the most important skill in life.

I once heard that bank employees go through a week long training where mostly all they do is spend time fondling and examining money. The idea being that if they are familiar with real money then they will more easily and automatically spot a counterfeit.

There’s the advice right there, the philosopher’s stone, the diamond in the rough:

Spend time with what you know is real, be it in the realm of people, literature, mathematics, religion, God (notice I made the two quite different things). Whatever it is that you hunger for in life, get close to the real. The fake will be revealed in the presence of the real.

Let me give you another example. Let’s say you want to be a success. There are minions of websites and corporations who want to define that for you. Some may be real, some may be a wolf in sheep clothing. Sp how do you navigate these waters? Define success. Watch examples of your definition. Get to know people who share components of your definition of success.

Spend time with the real and you’ll know how to spot a fake. Have you ever been duped by Amway or other MLM marketing scheme? Ask yourself this: would you have fallen so easily if you’d taken the time to define what success is for you? If I would have known (and I lost $500 when I was 20 at an Amway meeting) how real success was defined, I wouldn’t have stayed past the opening greeting with designer water and cashews. When you have defined success on your terms, no one can take away the growing happiness that results as you get closer to your goal. Have you ever bought into something you thought was real but really was a counterfeit?

Afterthought: One example of how I define success is my personal “CAN” ranking system for my b.... You can read more about this here. You might find parallels in your quest to define and rank the successes of your life.

My wife invited me up as she was painting our son’s room. She’s sort of “owned” it as her task and art project and up to now she hadn’t invited me into the mall of plastic, masking tape, and drop cloths that is Brandon’s room.

As I saw her virtually collapsed under the window, I asked her what I could do to help finish the job. I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed so I started showing her how it would be easy for me to finish the last wall. It needed tape on the base and the top and it needed primering and then a couple coats of paint on top of that. At the time I had just received a $30 writing offer which for me is huge. I’ve been trying lately to get blog jobs that pay, but here my wife was virtually collapsed. I decided I’d be quite the selfish idiot if I put this job off.

I sent my wife downstairs with the order of getting some food. It was after noon and she was a little shaky from not having eaten yet. After she left I learned a great lesson. I looked at all the stuff that needed to be done and decided instead of trying to do it all, I would select a small part and do it perfectly. Then I did that. After that, I picked another one and so on. Within an hour, I finished the room. When my wife came up to check on me with a piece of toast in her hand, she was astonished at all I had accomplished.

She went out to the jacuzzi with our one and three year old, and I went downstairs where I was able to finish that big writing job. Victory! Lesson learned?

When painting, or life, gets overwhelming, map out chunks at a time to finish. Don’t get overwhelmed. Before you know it, you’ll be victorious.

I just read that 460 million vacation days went unused last year by American workers … no wonder we have so many mental problems in our country! To all those people so worried about missing work I say this: “Be responsible, go on vacation!” This post was inspired by a discussion at Loose Suits.

Of course people with jobs that don’t offer sick days, like freelance writers and the like, might not click on this article. Theirs is a different dilemma that I could discuss at length as well. Having said that, we are all faces with the importance of taking vacations. So if we know how important they are, why aren’t we taking them? In my opinion, folks with vacation days would be “sick” not to use them!

Any problems we have at work and at home will get worse if we don’t use our vacation days.

I look at vacation days as a time to regroup. It’s a time to get romantic with your spouse. Vacations are a time to find inspiration in even those “nothing” moments. How many times have I taken a simple walk in a new place and had tomes of inspiration flood into my mind. It can heal what you thought was impossible stress. I have written my best songs while taking vacation time.  It can be really tough to find the flights you desire, that’s why it is helpful to plan way ahead.  If it is a priority and you are willing to wait you will fare better!

Looking for timely new york flights is even harder than looking for cheap flights to germany. However the flights to thailand can be bought at the last minute too. This is true for a number of other flights as well.

I’ve been highly stressed out at work before. (hasn’t everybody?) It can feel like radioactive heat burning you up … it deserves you a day off. After a “mental health day” the heat goes away. I get fresh new ideas that ironically make me more valuable to my employer. What? More valuable by taking time off? Yes. It’s a time to sharpen my axe.

I think the paranoia many have of getting in trouble at work for taking sick days is unwise. People need to get over it and just take those vacation days like clockwork. It just might be the difference between a promotion or being written up for lack of productivity. The article I read on this was truly staggering. The best argument for this is simple: Look at pictures of your loved ones over the past few years. When you do so you will see just how fast this thing called a lifespan is passing by. Is work that important to Americans? Do people think a real man doesn’t call off work ever? Do that many Americans really think they are heroes for not taking a vacation? Getting any getaway locations in mind yet? I am. Here’s a place to buy your travel supplies. Enjoy.

I asked myself a question today as I was preparing to go out into my Truman Show here at the Funny Farm here I call my life. The question was based half on Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth and half on my own outlook on life. Blogs can be a great way to journal what is going on in your life while getting feedback as well.   Since I am turning 39 June 9th, I am tending towards the philosophical side. I know you may find it hard to believe that I love it but I do. Happiness is found there as well I am finding.

We are all in a proverbial “funny farm” I think and so there are two sides of life we need to address to succeed, get out, and to be happy: 1) The side of neurophilosophy, or our physical brains, and 2) the cognitive side. This “present” idea is a cognitive idea. (and what’s cool about it is you don’t even get charged a copay here, though you may want to subscribe via -or- .

Anyway, Eckhart’s book is all about being “conscious.” (See here for another post I wrote about him) If I could count the number of times he uses that word, I would say it’s probably more than any other word apart from “the.”

It’s an awesome word to keep in your head all day “conscious, conscious, conscious.” If you have ever been unconscious (as I many times am) in a room you know how much you can miss just pretending to be there. I strive to be conscious always but today that is not my word. Today I am present.

Present is the word on the way to consciousness. Like water spilling over from a river into the sea, consciousness usually merges with present. Remember the annoying, idiotic boy in grade school who after every person’s name was called for attendance with a resounding “here” had to shout “present!” You know, the one the teachers always ranted about. Well I am/was that kid and the only difference is now I am shouting “present” on my blog.  Here’s my simple goal today for being present.

Today I will be present by looking people in the eye

I will also say this mantra today every time I start to think I am becoming “absent:”

(YOUR NAME HERE), Present!!!

Here’s a question for you: maybe down the road we can get more deep, but for now: In what simple way can I move toward being present today? Here’s a picture of me a couple years ago fully present.  Can every moment be that way?  That is my goal.

Today I will be present by looking people in the eye.

In what way will you be present today?