Postcards from the Funny Farm

I want to discuss Ellis’ theory of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) as it relates to a happy marriage. Let’s face it, when your marriage is thriving and healthy, it feels like you’re taking pure energy pills. I may have mentioned REBT here before but this is a unique way of looking at it to keep your marriage positive and growing in love.  REBT is a way of breaking down communication and understanding why we and our spouses do what we do. The basic template are these ABC’s:

A: Adversity comes our way and we are forced to deal with it.  This can be like the house being messy for example.  Will you clean it?  Will you yell at your spouse over it?  Will you do nothing and BROOD? etc.

B: Beliefs we hold cause us to see adversity in given ways.  For example, if I grew up with a maid, I will not likely clean the house all the time.  On the other hand, if I was the cleaner my whole life I might never let it get bad. Then finally,

C: Consequences result after A and B combine to make our actions.  The trick is really studying how we got here in a given situation.

I think it is the best piece of advice I could give to a married couple to study Ellis’ ABC’s of REBT.  It is the logical continuation of possibility thinking (I wrote a series on that btw) Understanding that your spouse says and does things directly as a result of their beliefs might lessen the number of arguments you have.  For example, if you learn that your wife never got new shoes much, then you might understand her apprehension to buying your kids as many as you think they need.  That’s a simple example but this method can help you manage your money, sex-life, raising and disciplining of kids, etc.  Remember to think your arguments through and remember your ABC’s.

Got a method to your marriage that works for you?

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe via -or-

My wife invited me up as she was painting our son’s room. She’s sort of “owned” it as her task and art project and up to now she hadn’t invited me into the mall of plastic, masking tape, and drop cloths that is Brandon’s room.

As I saw her virtually collapsed under the window, I asked her what I could do to help finish the job. I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed so I started showing her how it would be easy for me to finish the last wall. It needed tape on the base and the top and it needed primering and then a couple coats of paint on top of that. At the time I had just received a $30 writing offer which for me is huge. I’ve been trying lately to get blog jobs that pay, but here my wife was virtually collapsed. I decided I’d be quite the selfish idiot if I put this job off.

I sent my wife downstairs with the order of getting some food. It was after noon and she was a little shaky from not having eaten yet. After she left I learned a great lesson. I looked at all the stuff that needed to be done and decided instead of trying to do it all, I would select a small part and do it perfectly. Then I did that. After that, I picked another one and so on. Within an hour, I finished the room. When my wife came up to check on me with a piece of toast in her hand, she was astonished at all I had accomplished.

She went out to the jacuzzi with our one and three year old, and I went downstairs where I was able to finish that big writing job. Victory! Lesson learned?

When painting, or life, gets overwhelming, map out chunks at a time to finish. Don’t get overwhelmed. Before you know it, you’ll be victorious.

Last time I wrote to you about the Power of Mantra. Before starting this as part two, Listen for Half a Day, I went back and read it again. I also took a nice long walk around my neighborhood admiring lawns and pink flamingoes, trying to make sure the next post was helpful and relevant to the series. The subject I realized today is another key tip in practicing an open mind.

As creative, enlightened people, we should actively practice an open mind by listening as much as possible.

I hope that will make perfect sense to you after I have given you many ways to do it through the course of this series. Please feel encouraged to subscribe to this series via -or- . I’m excited about how valuable this is in opening ones mind.

To make a quick example, listen to this “open mind” tip on traveling:

Usually cheap flights have no issues in the flight performance but are a part of an economical deal, and hence cheap. The deals usually promote hotels. But if one does want to travel cheap, the best way is to stay at a travel lodge instead.

Here, you see having an open mind can save you money, and peace of mind.  I learned this deal because I took the time to listen.  In doing so, that which I thought was impossible is possible.

We’ve all heard the statistics about how women have larger brains and how they are better listeners and better at many other things than men. I am not here to argue that at all. My wife knows full well how much I believe she is playing with a larger emotional deck that I am. What I want to stress is that I believe women and men, based on my experience of family, work, and life, are all generally poor at listening. In fact, it might be a cultural thing that we as Americans do not like to listen. Many are like me, we like to talk, fast, hard, and loud, no matter who gets hurt or shut out.

What if you could be more enlightened about what the people around you think?

The other day I caught myself lecturing my son on how his things were in every room in the houses where they didn’t belong (including a shoe at the bottom of the pool). As I rambled on and watched his bulbous brown eyes begin to well up tears, I listened to myself and it was not the ideal I have for myself. Ever done that?

It is phenomenal how much our mind is opened when we listen fully to someone else. Active listening is when you say back what the other is saying periodically and that is a good idea. But can you listen to people for half a day and not have a response? I’ve tried it and friends it aint easy. Just let what they are saying penetrate your mind, don’t respond except for the normal, OK etc. This is crucial to the experiment.

I could give you many statistics on how listening makes you a better person and such, but let’s just try the experiment what do you say? Starting right now at 11:26am until 6 or 7 tonight when I am doing my evening laps and jacuzzi time, I am going to listen. We haven’t been to church in a while and we decided to go to Saturday night services tonight … I might have picked the perfect day ;)

At any rate, whatever you do and whoever you interact with, this is a good exercise. I think you will be blown away at the paradigm shifts you experience and the broader, more open mind that you enjoy as a result. If you are a blogger you might try interviewing someone you respect. Heck, we may all decide to never speak again! …probably not, but it sounded like a good close. Whether you do this experiment or not, I’d love to get your comments on the concept of listening.

Remember: The goal of each of these posts is to give you a more open mind.

Well, there weren’t any comments yesterday so either you are all speechless about my question or you are waiting for me, your dysfunctional guide to psychology, to give you my take on how to let things go. SPLENDID … I have a few methods I can recommend. Before I do though, let me just give a quick update on the house. It’s going really well. Unfortunately there is a lot of stuff we still haven’t gotten to but we are learning to just let it ride. The doors to the kids rooms are laying off their hinges on the floor as we are planing them to the right size and it’s a real bitch! Actually I should say that Sarah’s dad is doing that job and dealing with the hassles, but we all wish it could go smoother for him. We sat in the spa for the first time day … niiiiiiice. Okay, enough of the update. I only have a short time here at Starbucks since I have to get back with dinner for everybody. This is so weird not having internet at home. Driving around town finding the hot spots feels a lot like wanting sex! Anybody ever try it? Hopefully you won’t have to. Oh, one more thing: I just want to recommend movers as another way to relax. Without them this time I think we appeared to our new neighbors to be their new freaks moving in faster than the speed of light probably on criminal amounts of diet pills or something. On to letting go (how appropriate).

The Christian mystics said that getting closest to God was possible by completely letting go of all physical material things. That means, for example, that you would give up your house, your possessions, and even people if they got in the way of you surrendering completely to God. While I shiver at the thought of such a life, I do feel they were onto something. We can all benefit from this type of thinking if only varied by degree a bit.

The two words “oh well” are some of the most powerful when used together. In essence what you say with them is that you prefer something higher. Remember when you were a kid and someone took your new bike to be a bully. If you cried about it they laughed and had a blast. You might get it back eventually but only with your ego badly bruised and everybody on the street labeling you as a major wimp. On the other hand, if you used the words “oh well,” you might have found as I did that the bully’s psychology changed. Now, he wanted to know WHY you weren’t affected. You took away his power. It’s the same now as adults only the bully is in our own minds and we victimize ourselves with stress. Saying “Oh well” can get us through a world of trouble and come out the other side shining.

Have you ever lost your keys? I have gone literally insane looking for them. I have thrown couches over I have done terrible things to unsuspecting items on my counter space … I am not proud of these things. Recently my wife lost hers and after much of that, we decided to table the worry and take my car. The end result was an amazing conclusion that restored the keys and our sanity. These things couldn’t have happened until we let go and said “oh well.”

So there is my suggestion to you. I know it isn’t too complicated but I offer it anyway. Did you expect the Mayo Clinc summary of the matter? Come here, I want to tell you a quick secret: it’s just a blog.

I think for years I have heard that it’s better to not hang on to material things, or anger, or resentment, or a lot of things.  I think that is a Judeo-Christian ethic and like many Americans, that’s how I was raised.  The funny thing is, I am not good at it.  When someone runs me off the road I want to take their bumper out … when my wife tells me I am wrong, I want to get out charts and prove to her and anyone watching (ie; the chairs) that I am indeed right!  This is toxic thinking.  Through the past couple years being a dad, husband, teacher, dreamer, I have been venturing out into this new realm of letting things go.  As I said in a previous announcement, I am limited in my time to blog for the next couple weeks.  I am sure in the next week I’ll get a mocha and really relate some of the amazing stuff that is happening to me, but for today I give you simply this direction to dream about and make your own connection with.  I have my own methods I have developed and will discuss in a future post, but for now what are some ways you can actively let things go?

I had a different sort of “www” this evening, I walked around Wal-Mart with my wife. She is amazing. When people talk about meant to be, I think of her and I. I had a bad day today and all I wanted to do was come home and veg in front of the TV. She made me get up off my butt and do the necessary shopping at Wal-Mart for the week with her we have been putting off. At first I was really grumpy but after just a few sentences with Sarah, my troubles began to lift. When I got home, I blogged about it on my new personal blog, Damien at the Speed of Life*.

I don’t know where I would be today without my wife. She listens and echoes back what I say. She offers editorial when she sees fit but mostly she’s highly supportive of the things I say or do. The internet is a great place to make money, but it can never offer what a simple walk with wife can in a million years. I usually don’t write gushing posts like this but I wanted to share with you all in a sort of personal diary fashion how important I feel she is. I have a feeling some of you can relate and we should celebrate it!

Do you have someone in your life that keeps you centered? Share about them in the comments won’t you?

*Note: Some time ago I started a new personal blog/diary at this url: damienatthespeedoflife.wordpress.com Stop by and say hello.

I ran out of gas last night on my way home from the grocery store. I was there to pick up dinner and some sundry items, no big deal. As I was listening to Blackhawk on the radio, my mini-van sputtered and stalled. I thought my wife had said the E light just went on. I found out later it had been on E for quite some time (no duh).

I was right in the middle of an intersection and it was almost 8pm. Kind of freaky. I remember those high speed chases where the helicopter films the speeder getting owned by a car who didn’t see him. Yikes. I got out of the car immediately and started to push. Now I’m no weakling, but my 165 pound frame wasn’t getting the car to budge at all. Then they came, like planet of the apes monkeys. Some laughing, some tipping their hats … All of them rushing because they obviously had seen those high speed chases as well. I felt like they all had my back and I didn’t know any of them

Later on after my wife had come to pick me up, we got a gas can and some gas. When I put it in the car, the gas fumes were strong. I thought about the futility of life sometimes: cancer, drunk drivers, child deaths … It’s easy to give up hope sometimes. You have to find the strength in the goodness around you. Then I recalled the gang of helpful people who pushed my car like a knife through butter. Getting help can make life so much easier. I realized there is always a bright side to any given situation. I choose whether to focus on the fumes or the bright side every single day.

The good news is, we all ate our chicken bucket together with laughs. If something should happen in your life that makes you recoil like you would at gas fumes, make sure you remember theres two sides to every story and the side you choose is slowly writing the story of your life. I’ll never be perfect, I’ll always make some mistakes here and there. The significance of that fact? So I can be patient with others who make mistakes as well. Below is the Blackhawk song I was listening to when this all happened. Some great lyrics. Enjoy your Monday.

Aint no Yesterday
Blackhawk

I’ve been livin’ my life like a man in chains
Ever since she took her love away
But this is now and that was then
And baby all bad things gotta come to an end
Chorus
So tonight I’m throwing caution into the wind
Getting down to the business of living again

Back in the saddle and I’m holding the reins
Gonna find someone and love her
Like there ain’t no yesterday
Now it’s dark as a dungeon down where I’ve been
And there ain’t no way I’m going back again
I’ve got my best foot forward onto greener grass
‘Cause there ain’t no future living in the past
Chorus
Out of the ashes alive and free
No longer a slave to a memory
Got the rest of my life right out in front of me
Chorus

My kind friend and fellow blogger JeanGrey over at Letters from the Soul has published another guest blog of mine. I wrote this one about those holiday stresses in the family when you feel like you have to drive over hill and dale to get to those sometimes not-so-thrilling get togethers. See what you think of my decision this year to stay home safe and sound with the wife and kids. How do you handle boundaries with loved ones? If you’re interested in reading my article, it is linked at the url below:

url: lettersfromthesoul.com/2008/03/22/setting-boundari...

If you are interested in having me guestblog for your blog for free, read the page explaining the process and contact me. Thanks! I hope to hear from you. Guest blogging is a fun and great way to assist bloggers in practicing writing, networking, and affiliate marketing.

Walking through CVS today I saw this book on display and had to buy it. The title absolutely flowed through me. I have no clue what the plot is about but ever since I picked it up I have wanted to post a memory of my running here on my blog: I have many.

My dad told me in my freshman year of high school that I had to either pick a sport and compete or get a part time job. I see the wisdom in that so much now that I have a son of my own. I weighed around 100 lbs. at 5′8″ so football was out. I suppose I could have been a wrestler like my friend Kevin Petrisko, he was 5′5″ and about 95 lbs. Before meets he would fast and run in plastic to sweat it off. I wouldn’t have had to do that because I never ate and I was a bag of bones. Literally you could see my ribs. I was healthy, just very gaunt. Thank goodness I finally filled out in college. I’m about 170 now, and needing to lose a spare tire. My how age changes your worries.

But back to the memory of running. I chose running X-country and track instead of getting a job. It was a wise decision. I have 4 years worth of remarkable memories stored away in my mind forever and anon. If you’ve run, you know that running is ethereal … other-worldly. One practice for X-country, we were running a 10 mile workout. Can you imagine that? It was from Mission Viejo to San Juan Capistrano and back again. The coaches ran with us but one took a car halfway and parked it beforehand so he could ride alongside us driving like horses to the destination. I would do those workouts without a thought. It was like riding on my legs. I do my treadmill now all these years later and remember how I was back then … so much endurance. I miss that, but I know it would take far more discipline than I have to get there again. In fact, it might not even be possible anymore. Back to the memory: It was almost prom and I had no date. My mom had been pressuring me like moms do to ask someone ANYONE. based on my slight frame and my somewhat immature disposition back then, I wasn’t the BMOC in the eyes of the girls. Nonetheless, I found myself staring during that workout at a freshman female. She was a friend, I was a senior … her Dolphin shorts translated to lingerie to that 17 year old post-adolescent testosterone laden runner. I ran up alongside her and after a few words regarding the prom, she agreed to go. I remember running faster than I ever had to finish that 10 miles.

Nothing ever came of the friendship between she and I. We had a great prom night of dancing and walking on the beach with our friends in our formalwear. I’ll leave her name out because too many people have found me through things I’ve posted and I’d rather just keep her mysterious anyway! My wife has seen the prom picture. My mom has it or I would post it. My hair was like a pompadour and her hair was like an exploding lion’s mane. Don’t you love the 80’s?

I have memories of running in so many situations now as a 38 year old dad, teacher, blogger. It’s like I wouldn’t feel as much if I hadn’t pushed back then. All I had was what I gave and as long as I did my “personal best” the coaches were happy. Great paradigm for life I think. It certainly is mine.

Oh yeah, and I will review this book when I get around to finishing it. It probably has nothing to do with this post, but you never know ’til you pop the cover.

Despite the title and picture, this post has nothing to do with off road vehicles. Instead it is meant to give 4 sections with 4 items each discussing writing and inspiration. I just couldn’t help finding a 4×4 grinding a wall for my post. The prompt comes from Confident Writing. Joanna has an excellent site there offering inspiration in writing and in life. Why not try the 4×4 challenge on your blog?

I’ve been writing seriously since my last year as an undergraduate, 1995. I recall that because I actually starting sending things out in the mail that year. Nothing came of it financially but I can say honestly that those rejections were helpful in every publishing I’ve had since then. I haven’t had a huge number but enough to pay for some fun family stuff and to take my wife out once in a while.

As someone who struggles daily to be a better writer with inspiration, I think I’m certainly qualified to take part in this challenge. This is not really the stage of inspiration but it precipitates that. If these things are done, your best writing will follow. Maybe you will use some of these, maybe you’ll find them all ridiculous but I’ve searched my heart and soul and listed them here. Hop in my 4×4 and check out how this dude fosters inspiration for his writing:

1. Physical Well Being and Rest

When you are stressed or sick or just unkempt, it inhibits inspiration.

1. Take a Multi-vitamin before you write with a natural juice (not the sugared kinds).
2. When you know you are headed into a writing situation, make sure you have nice clean comfortable clothes hanging up in the bathroom next to the shower ready for you that day.
3. Breathe deeply after you get all dressed and showered.
4. Make a practice of imagining possibilities before you turn on your computer, or pick up your yellow pad.

2. Harmony and Peace in Your Home

That hillbilly country song “If mamma aint happy, aint nobody happy” is truth like a flood light for writers, especially if you’re a mamma I am sure! ;) Make sure your wife, kids, dog, salesman at the door etc. are all happy and satisfied before you sit down to attempt to write.

1. Play with your kids.
2. Sit next to your spouse and turn off your computer.
3. Talk.
4. Laugh and sing as you do the dishes (some of my best ideas have come doing the dishes).

3. Read Biographies

I will simply mention names … these people’s lives have transformed my life and inspired me as they continue to. I’ve written an article on each of these greats which you’ll find linked in their names.

1. Walt Disney
2. Ray Kroc
3. Rod Serling
4. Dr. Seuss

4. Earn Money at the Craft

As you write and hone your craft, seek out ways to make money. You ought to be paid for the contributions you make. Not always, but at least put your stuff out there. Below are 4 linked articles that show you some ways, for example, how to do this. In all, there are myriads more out there, the only limitation is in your mind:

1. PayPerPost
2. Summary of Many
3. Another Slick List of Blog for Pay Companies
4. Yes, Bloggers Can Make Money Without PageRank

If any of these touched you, I’d love to hear about it.